Boobs and Poop

I'm back! I took a break, and then an even longer break. I lost my confidence and I guess my voice too. In reviewing my last post - from March! - I can see that my thinking was not as sharp or clear as I'd like. I have a lot to say but am really nervous about saying it or writing it. The truth is that as much as I seem to want to do this, blogging is very hard for me. I have in my recent past really hurt people's feelings with my writing. I have also taken some personal risks and wrote things that later embarrassed me. Worst of all, I've both hurt other people and embarrassed myself at the same time with my writing. Sometimes I guess I'm fearful I'll make the same mistakes again... or if I'm really honest about it, I feel as though I don't deserve the chance to write about whatever I want to now because of the mistakes I made then. There was also an incident. A short, brief conversation. Not even a conversation... my mother made a passing commen...

We have made many changes and my life has been completely without any routine for the past year. We moved out here when I was pregnant, had the baby, then I decided not to go back to my job and have decided to go back to school... and of course, I'm shooting for a spot in a very competitive program and have a ton of prerequisites to meet. If you're an avid Boobs and Pooper, you've already read all about it . My taking classes and tutoring students are only possible thanks to two reliable childcare options we now have during the week: the assistance of a part-time nanny and a part-time spot at an awesome daycare. To say I was excited to get back to a routine and let some other people deal with my baby is an understatement. I was elated all that first week. For the first time in forever, I had my own schedule and am able to "do me" periodically throughout the week. That wonderful feeling of elation was eradicated within that same week. The Saturday follow...

... a baby came out of my vagina! She's looking at me right now. She has teeth. She has a voice. She can take a few steps on her own before falling over. She is so awesome. She has completely stolen my heart and my identity. I am not the person I once was, and I have decided to acknowledge that this is a good thing. The person I once was was far unhappier than any one person deserves to be. She has taught me to be happier. She has also flipped my world up-side-down and inside-out. Words do not take on the same meaning... Insecurities run deeper, but my will to overcome is much stronger. I am so grateful I am her mom.

I've been having a rough couple of weeks... I've been feeling a little lost and a little insecure about this blog. I've been up in my own head and not on the keyboard. I have written regular posts, but I'm kind of forcing myself to "get it out there" so that I don't loose momentum. I've been hounding myself with the usual questions: What am I doing with my life? Was this decision to stay home, blog and work on passion projects (while raising my baby) the right one? Should I have gone back to an office, and should I take the baby to daycare? My daily routine (or lack thereof) is nothing like I might have imagined just a short year ago... Connecting with other mommy bloggers has surely helped! I think I needed some inspiration and motivation.  Talking with Leah from And 1 More Makes 3 has helped me refocus and feel excited about creating more (and different) posts. There is a lot going on with me that's left me feeling anxious about the pres...

I recently had the pleasure of “e-meeting” a fellow mommy blogger and kindred spirit. Leah, the creator of And1MoreMakes3.com , uses her blog as a platform to discuss mental health issues, using her own experiences as a springboard into the larger discussion of mental health for moms and others in the UK. Her tone is frank, open, approachable and light. She makes the topic of mental illness less scary by virtue of her attitude about it. She suffered from depression and anxiety for over 10 years, and now considers herself a “survivor.” Her blog is an extension of her own journey to mental wellbeing, as well as a platform for sharing with other people that it is ok to feel this way and to get help. By using her own journey as the example , she shows her readers the benefits of facing mental illness and fighting it. She helps remind those who have forgotten that there is hope, and it is possible to take control. There’s no shame in suffering a mental illness, or an invisib...

Watch Katharine Hepburn discuss atheism and morality. Historically, I haven't talked much about the fact that I am an atheist because this information has always been more important to the recipient than to me. Sharing my religious beliefs in conversation typically steers the conversation in one of two directions. One is invariably an attempt to change my mind on the subject through testimony; the other is an offense I didn't intend but can nevertheless not take back. I feel a little safer sharing my beliefs in this format, and the subject of religion has been on mind. I guess it's yet another on the list of things I didn't think mattered much... until I had a baby. My attitude about religion, the mystery of the unknown and morality ( Life, the Universe and Everything so to speak) will help shape hers. So here it is for the record: I don't believe in God or any gods. For a long time, I thought that this didn't matter in my daily life. And I didn'...

This image is taken from an article on Mapleleafmommy.com . What a weird day. It's baby girl's 1/2 birthday - she's 6 months old today. I'm delighted. She's having a blast and we celebrated with some new toys from Target. Another interesting rite of passage befell our happy home today - I was "let go" from a job for the first time in my life. I've been wanting to write about how hard it's been to go back to work. After the events of today, I'll now write a completely different post. I'd never even come close being fired before this morning. And typically, any bad news (especially concerning my employment) is met with fear, defensiveness or confusion. But today I happily received a very clear message. There's no bitterness or self-loathing here. I did a good job, but a local person may be better suited for the work. I was working remotely and from a different time zone - and due to the nature of the work, that put me at a di...

Figuring out what I was going to do for "maternity leave" was so scary for me! I really felt lost. It took me a lot of research and talking through obstacles with friends before feeling confident that I'd filled out forms correctly and wouldn't somehow get penalized for taking time away from work for the baby. I was scared of being judged or perceived as lazy for taking too much time, or that I'd be an unfit mother if I didn't take enough time. And I worked for a company without a traditional HR department, so it was difficult to unearth the right information for me and hash out a plan. Actually, one of the main sources of stress for me was trying to create my plan for leave and ultimately returning to work. When I found out I was pregnant, I tried to wait until I'd made it through the first trimester before telling anyone at work that I was in the family way. But I can't keep my own secrets to save a life, so everyone in my department and a few o...

Some may be surprised that I decided to write about this. It's personal stuff. But after a lot of thought, I decided to share anyway because I found something really beneficial to my health. Anyone who knows me really well knows that I have struggled with anxiety and depression at different times throughout my life. Anyone who sort of knows me has probably heard me talk about this and been surprised. You may fall into that second category now. I'm naturally a fairly nervous person. What may seem very small and insignificant things to some can send me into a tailspin. I may worry over a mistake on a work project or something stupid I said at a party for weeks after the incident. I get stomach aches when this happens. I give just as much attention to worrying about the future as I do the past, and it results in even more stomach aches. In my late twenties, I was pretty sick of feeling sick to my stomach from all this worrying all the time. So I started seeing a therapis...

It has been hard to find good support groups and organizations for new moms out here in the Pomona Valley area! A lot of searching online lead me to La Leche League but I really couldn't find anything else. That is until I stumbled upon two groups using an app called Meetup . MOMS  (Moms Offering Moms Support) is an international organization dedicated to providing support to stay at home moms during the day, when moms are often isolated. I was surprised at how hard it was to find my local chapter (probably because members are busy being moms and not actively marketing the group...). I found a chapter for the next town over via Meetup and contacted them. They directed me to the MOMS web site so I could find the Diamond Bar chapter. I went to the web site, filled out a form and got a response within a few hours. There was some paperwork and a $25 (annual) fee to join. I took care of that part last week and attended my first group meeting yesterday at the Cal Poly Pomona pumpk...