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To my dear sweet and beautiful daughter,
I started writing this when you were just weeks old and had already made a mark on the world. You completely changed me from my toes to the top of my head and life will never be the same. I started typing this letter with you strapped to my torso via the Ergo Baby (complete with infant insert), because it was the only way to get you to nap when you're desperately tired during the day... and I'm finishing it now months later, with you napping in your crib and the nanny here to help when you wake up.
Up until now, the days felt so long and I spent so much time trying to figure you out, or put you down for a nap. I still don't really know what I'm doing, and most of the time I fear you've figured me out and can see just how clueless I am before you. You are growing so quickly, and while the days seemed so long they have somehow gone by so fast! I'm kind of already wishing for the days you wanted me to hold you for hours. Those especially crazy days, where I first started discovering my best friend and watching you learn to recognize me and begin to respond to me. Those days where you needed me and only me.
Those days are coming to an end and giving way to different stages of babyhood, and before we know it you'll be a toddler and then a kid in school making friends and forming your own opinions. You'll scoff at me when I reach for you in public. You'll roll your eyes at me. I already dread these times in the distant future, and not because you'll find me lame and prefer the company of your peers to me. But because it will be so much harder to protect you.
In those crazy days leading up to now, I've worried (and still do) that I'm not stimulating you enough. That I've had the TV on too long. That, even though you eat nothing but breastmilk and now at 5 1/2 months a little formula, I'm a bad mother because I don't have an example of every fruit and vegetable I know of in my body. But I have kept you alive, and you are eating well and thriving. I don't know if you're bored, or if you'll hit all of your milestones right on time... but the truth is I don't yet have the really scary unknowns. I don't yet spend hours away from you - I know exactly how you spent your day. I only need to protect you from myself and I guess our nanny, but not from real other people.
Some day you'll experience the inevitable sadness that comes with heartbreak. Another kid will say something hurtful, a boy will pick another girl or you may be left out or picked last. While I know these things are unavoidable and a part of growing up, it will hurt me beyond comprehension to watch you go through any of it. Please know that you'll still be my best friend, and know that my heart will break right along with yours. You'll never be alone, even when it feels like you may be.
As you grow older, you will begin to see all of my flaws and idiosyncrasies clearly, and you will experience disillusionment. And when you're disappointed in me, as will happen at some point, I will still love you and you will still be my best friend. I will be at the ready, rooting for you and offering unending support.
When you grow up and make choices all your own, I will honor them and proudly proclaim that you are my daughter as I always have. It doesn't matter what you choose to do - you could be the chairperson of the Republican National Committee or a commentator on Fox News, and I will beam with pride and brag about you ceaselessly.
Those days are coming to an end and giving way to different stages of babyhood, and before we know it you'll be a toddler and then a kid in school making friends and forming your own opinions. You'll scoff at me when I reach for you in public. You'll roll your eyes at me. I already dread these times in the distant future, and not because you'll find me lame and prefer the company of your peers to me. But because it will be so much harder to protect you.
In those crazy days leading up to now, I've worried (and still do) that I'm not stimulating you enough. That I've had the TV on too long. That, even though you eat nothing but breastmilk and now at 5 1/2 months a little formula, I'm a bad mother because I don't have an example of every fruit and vegetable I know of in my body. But I have kept you alive, and you are eating well and thriving. I don't know if you're bored, or if you'll hit all of your milestones right on time... but the truth is I don't yet have the really scary unknowns. I don't yet spend hours away from you - I know exactly how you spent your day. I only need to protect you from myself and I guess our nanny, but not from real other people.
Some day you'll experience the inevitable sadness that comes with heartbreak. Another kid will say something hurtful, a boy will pick another girl or you may be left out or picked last. While I know these things are unavoidable and a part of growing up, it will hurt me beyond comprehension to watch you go through any of it. Please know that you'll still be my best friend, and know that my heart will break right along with yours. You'll never be alone, even when it feels like you may be.
As you grow older, you will begin to see all of my flaws and idiosyncrasies clearly, and you will experience disillusionment. And when you're disappointed in me, as will happen at some point, I will still love you and you will still be my best friend. I will be at the ready, rooting for you and offering unending support.
When you grow up and make choices all your own, I will honor them and proudly proclaim that you are my daughter as I always have. It doesn't matter what you choose to do - you could be the chairperson of the Republican National Committee or a commentator on Fox News, and I will beam with pride and brag about you ceaselessly.
Someday when you marry (or don't) and have children (or don't), change careers or buy a new house, when you have a favorite girlfriend you'd prefer to call before you call me, you will still be my best friend. I will still be delighted and ready to hear from you when you do take a moment to call.
Right now, I'm happy you're sleeping and I'm writing. And I'll be happy no matter what comes next, because my best friend is here. She's you.
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