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Mental Gymnastics Over Breakfast


I am eating a delicious egg, bacon, bagel and avocado breakfast with Starbucks Christmas Blend coffee in an adorable cup from Anthropologie (last year's Christmas gift from mom-in-law). I have two candles going and I am enjoying a nice morning catching up on news, writing and filling my stomach before the work day starts. Our family nanny was able to come a little early today and give me this time to myself.

And I want to be more excited about it...

As always somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind, there is this nagging concern that I am not spending my time wisely. There are other things I ought to be doing, that I should be doing, that I am supposed to be doing. In my older years, I realize that I have spent so much of my life believing I had to spend my time a certain way, to maintain order in the universe; that time spent having fun was time wasted. That I was always to be busy in some pursuit of something. I have often had strange and very extreme feelings of guilt because I simply haven't done enough. I must always be doing something, purposefully. If I am not then... I don't know. It's as though I don't see any other way to live as being an option for me.

Intellectually, I know that rest is important and taking breaks is critical. I know that downtime is important and that there are learning opportunities in leisurely activities and going outside. I know that writing this blog post is good for me in so many ways. I'm working through my thoughts and processing, setting my intention for the day and taking a little time out for me. Intellectually, I know that this is part of self care. But that doesn't alleviate any of the anxiety I feel over not doing something more productive or important right now, like a project for work or pumping breastmilk or reading a book to the baby or going to the grocery store or to get more stamps. I still feel a little guilty for taking this time for myself. Even though I'm wearing the shirt I slept in, haven't showered, brushed my teeth or put on makeup yet today and the eczema around my eyes is flaring up*, I feel so pampered. And that makes me feel pretty guilty. Like I don't deserve to feel pampered!

I've been through enough therapy to know that feeling unworthy is super uncool. Nonetheless, I have somehow grown to associate my own personal self worth with "being too busy" for things like homemade breakfast or blogging. And even worse, now that I'm a mom I feel even more anxiety about using the limited time I have each day "correctly." For example, as I write I can't help but think that some of you reading this post may think I'm selfish because I am at home enjoying time to myself while the nanny cares for my child. Or you might have caught that I'm having a cup of coffee with my breakfast, and I am still breastfeeding... Some people can't handle that.

Sure, what other people think is none of my business. I know that. Yet I regularly work myself into a worry concerning myself over whether I'm being judged.

I want to stress less and enjoy more. These are important goals for me; in fact, they constitute my only significant goals for the time being. 
Now that baby girl is here, decreasing stress in my life is mission critical because I want to be a source of calm for her. I don't want to cause stress in her life because I am not managing my own properly. So I made myself a big breakfast and ate it slowly as I worked on this blog post. I have alternating feelings of good and guilt about it, and am hoping the feelings of good win out. I'm going to pat myself on the back and move forward anyway. 


*UPDATE ON THE GROSS RASHY EYE THING: 
I took the baby to the pediatrician for her 4 month appointment yesterday. The doc saw my eyes and immediately identified the condition as eczema. Ugh. I had eczema as a kid, but it didn't look the way the rash around my eyes looks. I also thought that I had to worry about it flaring up again during pregnancy, not postpartum... So I guess I should have known better, but I was not expecting him to say this. 

I did a quick Google search and found very little credible-looking articles about postpartum eczema. But I did find this forum on Circle of Moms. It looks like a few moms have had this problem and had to wait it out. I'm hoping my issue will clear up sooner rather than later!

As for the breast milk cure, the jury is still out. So far it seems that breast milk does not completely cure postpartum eczema around the eyes, but it doesn't hurt it either. I'm now using an awesome coffee face scrub (although I'm using it like an exfoliator and not a mask) and coconut oil. I think this may be the winning combo for managing the mess around my eyes! #eyevomit2015
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