Boobs and Soup

Since I've weaned the baby, my boobs have changed yet again. During the weaning weeks, I had a truly lopsided situation with one boob much larger than the other.

As the milk dried up, I hoped that as they returned to their normal, pre-pregnancy size they'd also "bounce back" into place. In short, I was looking forward to the return of a pair of perky boobs I'll actually never see again.

I recently described this latest boob situation by saying that my boobs are like soup, like balloons filled with a thick creamy soup. I now have to ladle each boob and deposit it into my bra.

This has necessitated purchases of expensive bras - prior to this mommyhood thing, I rarely wore bras. When I did, a training bra might have done the trick. Now I understand the need for underwire and reinforced straps. While I don't have large boobs anymore - I am back to my little A cup size - I have to buy bras with a fervor I'd only ever heard described by my big busted pals. Bra shopping has eaten a hole in my wallet and sucked away so much precious time... And I'm still not confident I've even found the right bra for my soupy booby situation! I guess it's really like a necessary evil.

This latest postpartum booby issue has got me thinking about the afore used phrase bounce back. I personally detest this phrase (even though I've caught myself using it casually) because while every woman should ultimately begin to feel like herself again at some point, you are utterly changed by the pregnancy, birthing experience and then by your child. You will feel like yourself again, but never exactly like your old childless self. You'll be a new and probably better version of that self, in my opinion. But telling someone that she will bounce back is very misleading and kind of fucked up in my estimation.

I had horrible postpartum depression and anxiety, but I lost the baby weight quickly and found myself in my pre-pregnancy clothes before the baby was even 3 months. I constantly heard comments like "Wow, you bounced back quickly!" I heard these comments while I was in the midst of a near psychotic breakdown due to incredibly overwhelming anxiety, depression and sleep deprivation. The fact that I may have lost the pregnancy weight pretty quickly doesn't mean I bounced back. And while I know those making such comments meant to compliment me and make me feel good, these comments were not helpful. In fact, given my postpartum state of mind, they often added to my confusion and desperation: if I had bounced back so quickly in everyone else's estimation, why didn't I feel like it myself?

It was not until the baby was closer to 9 months that I started to feel like anything more than a shell of my former identity. I still struggle, but I do feel like myself again now with a 10-month-old. I am forever changed by my daughter, but I feel okay in my own skin again. I'm even okay with my soupy boobs... At least for now.

I did not, however, bounce back and I don't really intend to. I have every intention of growing and changing as the baby grows and life goes on. I fully intend to embrace the new versions of myself as they emerge in the future. I don't need to be exactly who I was or look exactly the way I did before I first got pregnant.