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Lessons From Bikram Yoga & Kris Jenner

I am in the middle of a Bikram yoga challenge. I committed to completing 25 Bikram yoga classes this month (May 2016). Bikram yoga is hard, hot, really intense and not for everyone.

I've completed 18 classes so far this month. I have 7 classes remaining and due to some scheduling issues, I must complete my first "double" and attend 2 classes back-to-back this weekend. Before completing 18 classes in such a short span of time, I couldn't fathom doing two classes in a row. I know it will be a challenge, but at this point, I am confident I can do it.

That's pretty huge because it's been awhile since I've felt totally confident I can do anything. I've been having a lot of doubts about what I'm doing with my life these days. I often question some of our lifestyle choices and the decisions we make together as parents. I've been tired, and kind of lonely. I haven't been very motived to do me at all. I recently started binge watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians and fancying a role model for myself in Kris Jenner.

My daughter gave me just enough of a fire to do something about this negative stitch. Thanks to her, I can no longer afford to waste weeks wallowing in self-pity like I once did. So I signed up for this yoga challenge and will complete it before the end of this month. I feel pretty good about it, and I'm beginning to feel pretty good about me too.

The other participants and I talk casually before and after class. In these conversations, we generally touch on how long one's been doing yoga, which studios one may have been to before, and other unremarkable comments. I am one of the more seasoned students, I'm pretty flexible, I stand in the front row and sweat like Robin Williams during a standup routine. I wear a teeny bikini-like yoga costume. It's pretty obvious I've done this before, but I am new to the studio because I'm still pretty new to this area. So it seems some of the other students have been curious about me.

I've shared the fact that I have a 9-month-old baby with some of the gang, and that info is always met with surprise and something like: "You don't look like it!" In response to comments like this, I found myself explaining that I didn't gain very much weight during the pregnancy because I dealt with a lot of morning sickness and heartburn, etc. ... Instead of accepting positive remarks and moving on with my day, I felt the need to diminish them in some way.

I thought about this revelation and realized I've unwittingly carried that way of thinking into a few parenting situations.

When I take my daughter to the grocery store, she makes friends. She's a gorgeous little baby, and so many people like to smile and wave at her. She's generally a ham, and so she'll usually smile and wave back.

There are times she's just not interested, and would rather play with her toys or stare into space than engage with anyone else. On the rare occasion some sweet old lady approaches our shopping cart and just can't get the baby's attention, I usually feel compelled to explain my daughter's lack of interest. I'll say that she's tired, or she doesn't feel well. Granted it's often that the explanation I'm providing is totally evident. But there have been a couple of times she just wasn't in the mood to engage a total stranger at the grocery store... and I felt compelled to offer this stranger an explanation for her behavior.

Something about this makes me feel a little icky, a little too much like my favorite control freak "Momager." While I turn to Kris Jenner for guidance in many things, perhaps creating a public persona for my daughter will wait.

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