Connecting with other mommy bloggers has surely helped! I think I needed some inspiration and motivation. Talking with Leah from And 1 More Makes 3 has helped me refocus and feel excited about creating more (and different) posts. There is a lot going on with me that's left me feeling anxious about the present and future, and perhaps a little depressed... I haven't been working in the traditional sense, but I have been mimicking a sort of "work from home" life - the life I determined I wanted when I was pregnant and nearing maternity leave...
Alas, life is still life and rife with everyday challenges.
I decided to "interview" Leah so I could put some of our email discussion into a digestible format for you to enjoy as well. It was also fun for me to write because I felt like an investigative journalist - investigating foils for the soul.
And now, here it is: Coffee Talk with And 1 More Makes 3.
1. How many kids do you have and what are their ages?
I have 3 beautiful nightmares, Bean, Bear and Binky (not their real names!) and they are 11, 8 and 1. I had Bean when I was quite young, and then struggled to conceive the girls, hence the larger gap between them!
2. When did you start blogging?
I only started my blog in January [2016]! It seems like it has been much longer than that already! I have been thinking about it for a very long time, though, as I was completely aware that by me writing all of my thoughts and feelings down, in almost like an online diary, it would be a very cathartic experience. It just took a lot of self-encouragement to actually get up the nerve to put fingers to keyboard!
3. In our email exchanges, you shared that you “suffered from depression and anxiety for over 10 years, and [you] now class [yourself] as a 'survivor' and [your] blog is kind of like [your] extended therapy as well as showing people that it is ok to feel this way and to get help.” Did you have a “plan” or was it more like you started blogging for yourself and found that you had readers? How did things progress?
Honestly, my intention when I first started writing, was to write about my kids. I knew that I wanted to add certain things about my previous struggles, but I never thought it would become as much of an important part of the blog as it has done. I have received a lot of emails following my posts, with people thanking me for writing them, and that made me realize that what I was writing was having an impact. Even if what I write only manages to get through to one person, that one person may seek help because of it. That makes everything I write seem worthwhile.
4. In the post "Raising Awareness of Mental Health" you mention believing the symptoms of depression were really bad PMT. Is PMT “premenstrual tension” and how does that relate to what we normally call PPD or “postpartum depression” in the USA? Are they related at all?
PMT is pre-menstrual tension. I have always suffered quite badly from it, especially in the run up. Along with all my other wonderful medical issues, I also suffer from PCOS, which can have an impact on your periods. Mine definitely does!
Thankfully PMT has no relation to PPD at all. It is just an awful thing that I get to look forward to every month! In England we call PPD, PND – Post Natal Depression.
5. Were your depression and anxiety issues directly related to post partum, or did you struggle with these issues before becoming a mother?
In all honesty, thinking back now I believe that I suffered from these symptoms for much much longer than I would have first thought. When I think back to how I was, even at the age of 13, I believe that some of the symptoms of depression, and especially anxiety, were already starting to creep their way to the surface. I would struggle massively in social situations, even then, I was highly emotional, would feel my blood boil for no reason. All of those things and more happened for years before I sought help.
Thankfully, for me, motherhood alleviated my symptoms to some extent. I felt no worse following the birth of my children, and so although I believe that my depression continued throughout their childhoods, I don’t believe that it was PPD that I was suffering from.
6. As a mother of 3, would you say there were differences between depression and anxiety during the different pregnancies?
During my first pregnancy, everything was fine. I was my usual neurotic self, but no real changes in the way that I felt. Having tried for 3 years to conceive Bear, my second pregnancy was stressful. I was convinced the whole time that something would go wrong. Every time we had a scan I prepared myself for the worst. It is such a shame because the pregnancy itself was flawless. As was her delivery.
The main difference that I found was with my final pregnancy. I came off my tablets at 6 weeks, when I found out that I was carrying Binky, as I didn’t want to cause any harm to my baby. There were no studies to say that the tablets that I was taking could cause potential harm, but that is because no one will willingly do medical testing on a pregnant person.
I managed to get to 7 months before I had a complete breakdown. My body couldn’t cope. I had lost all happiness and enjoyment, there was no light anymore. And I sat and sobbed and sobbed because I knew that the only thing that could make it better was my tablets.
I made an appointment with my Doctor the same day. He very calmly reassured me that by 7 months, everything would be almost completely formed, and he had no concerns about me returning to my tablets. I could have hugged the man – but my husband was in the room!
It took a couple of weeks for the tablets to kick back in, but just knowing that I was taking them instantly gave me a lift.
Because I took the tablets for the final couple of months of the pregnancy, I did not suffer postpartum at all. I dread to think how I would have felt if I had continued to struggle without them.
7. Are you willing / able to share what the medication is?
I take Citalopram everyday.
8. Did you breastfeed any of your children, and if so, did you take any medication while breastfeeding?
I breastfed my son, but not the girls. I had not been prescribed my tablets at the time of breastfeeding so that caused no concerns.
9. How “risky” was it for you to talk about medication openly on your blog? In the USA, it seems that it’s very rare that CPS (Child Protective Services) gets involved when parents are taking prescription drugs… in fact, they may not be able to get involved because much of our medical information is supposed to be confidential in this country. Would the comparable child services be interested in whether you take prescription medication in the UK?
One of the hardest things about approaching the Doctor in the first place, was that I had heard horror stories about people admitting that they were feeling low, feeling depression and anxious, feeling worthless, and that the Doctors had called Social Services. I knew, I 100% knew, that if anyone took my babies away, my life would be over. No questions.
Thankfully my Doctor was amazing. I even told her that I had these fears, and she told me that she had no concerns regarding my children's safety. I asked her to record that in her notes in case she left and another, less sympathetic doctor took over my case.
I did have concerns about writing about it, but I write now as a survivor. I know that the symptoms are always going to be there, lurking in the background, waiting to pounce when I let my guard down. But as it stands on a day to day basis, I am well. And what I want to do is help others to see that they can get well too.
10. Tell me about something you accomplished in the last year, something awesome that made you feel really good about yourself! Don’t skimp on details!
I would have to say that the best thing that I have done in the last year is start this blog! I am so proud of everything that it has achieved so far. It is a lot of work, and sometimes it seems a bit silly, because I am not getting paid for any of it, but then I get an email or a text to say "thank you" for what you wrote, and I realize that no money in the world could be better than that feeling right there!
11. Tell me about your plans for And 1 More Makes 3. Is there anything fun going on in the site now, and what can we look forward to?
We have just started a YouTube channel – which is officially the scariest thing that I have ever done in my life! I feel like such an idiot, alone in the room chatting away to the camera, but the more I do it, the more I will get used to it. It is great for my self-confidence (until the horrible comments start!!).
The other exciting thing, is that we have set up a forum on the website! It is live, but I have not been advertising it yet as I feel that I need a better standing within the blogging community before I put it out there. I want this forum to be a place for mums (or dads!) or anyone suffering with mental health issues to feel safe to talk in a non-judgmental environment. Sometimes just knowing that there is someone else going through the same things that you are can have a huge impact on your sense of self.
Check out one of my favorite videos from the new And 1 More Makes 3 YouTube channel.
And remember, if you don't have anything nice to say... move along!
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