Weeny Weaning

This image was taken from this list of offensive memes on mommyish.com. 

After 5 months of exclusive breastfeeding and refusing to give the baby formula, I decided to bottle feed her formula last Saturday. It was weird, and I liked it.

My husband was surprised and told me that from his perspective it seemed like I just flipped a switch, all of a sudden. Even when I got really sick two weeks ago and should have been on serious antibiotics, I just felt weird about introducing her to formula. But for some reason on Saturday morning, I was on fire and ready to try it.

I mean I'd been thinking about it - mainly because now that I've been working again, I want to drink coffee all day. I've been so so so sick of having one measly cup of coffee in the morning and then worrying about my caffeine intake throughout the day. And now that our baby is sleeping like a champ most nights, I want to have wine with my husband on the back patio and enjoy my guiltiest of pleasures, an American Spirit Yellow cigarette, and not worry about whether I should pump and dump, or express some of that precious milk into the sink.

I think the motivating factor - what really pushed me over the edge - is the simple fact that I hate breast pumps and I hate the act of pumping. Even though I work from home and haven't even been away from her long enough to require routine pumping, since she was about 6 weeks old, I've been trying to pump at least 10 minutes every day or every other day in addition to feeding her. The sole goal being to produce just a little bit more milk than what she was consuming every day.

This worked well for a while. But pumping really started to become a huge, anxiety-producing chore when the expensive pumping machines started to fail me.

First, my hand-me-down breast pump from sissy-in-law broke. I assumed it's just because the machine was used and had been in storage over a year before it was even passed down to me, so didn't think too much about it. I then bought a Medela, which broke when I packed it into a suitcase (so as to avoid a carry-on fee)... So that one was totally my fault. I then bought an Avent double electric pump, which was broken right out of the box*. Next came the Nuk double electric pump. This one is about $100 cheaper than the Avent and Medela models I used before, but it still worked. It's not quite as comfortable and it's really hard to find replacement parts for the Nuk, which is why this one also didn't last long for me. The membranes are totally colorless and were therefore lost in a matter of days. I wasn't able to find the colorless membranes sold separately, and so there I was again with a non-working machine. Finally, I purchased the Lansinoh double electric and this is what I have been using up until last Saturday. It's okay - it's easy to clean, small and easy to carry around. And I haven't lost any of the pieces yet!

So on Saturday morning, I decided not to pump anymore. I don't have much breast milk frozen in the freezer, probably no more than 30 oz. We started with Enfamil Stage 1 ready to drink. I was so nervous because this was also the first time I'd ever fed her with a bottle. Prior to this stage, I'd been concerned about nipple confusion and so I never even tried anything but the breast from me. But this last Saturday, my perfect girl looked me in the eyes and drank that bottle of formula down. We made eye contact as she ate, and it was very intimate. That surprised me, and it was a relief.

In retrospect, I think I was beginning to feel the "loss" associated with her outgrowing her need for me. And her making eye contact with me was her way of reassuring me. Nothing is lost between us, we're just evolving and trying new things. Baby girl actually seems to like the formula. She and I are just fine.

But what if I'm not fine as an individual person? I'm actually really scared... Terrified! I feel like I just got a handle on managing postpartum depression (and possibly postpartum OCD). I know that I'm in for another drastic hormonal shift as my body begins understanding that milk production is no longer necessary. The night sweats, anxiety and sleeplessness have already started... Last night was very uncomfortable. And it's strange to admit, but I think I will miss holding my baby girl against my chest and knowing that I'm all she needs in the world that moment.

I knew that motherhood would be a constant challenge. But I didn't know that my heart would break all the time, every day. That even when I'm happy and proud and watching my baby grow and thrive, the little seams securing my heart in my chest unravel. I had no idea that giving my baby a bottle of formula would shake up my world so profoundly. Everything she does pleases me, scares me, excites and makes me so proud of the person she is and the one she will become. And it's like I can't handle all of that at once, so there's a constant strain and tightness in my chest.

When she looked at me on Saturday, I do think she told me that all is okay. I think she'll keep telling me this every time I feed her, and I know she's right.


*Philips Avent has not been helpful at all in helping me get a replacement. I plan to write in detail about this experience, as I personally believe the way this company has handled my claim is abhorrent. I have produced an itemized receipt with the date of purchase on three separate occasions and have been told that this is not sufficient to claim the warranty... even though the literature in the box and copy on their web site state that they'll gladly process a replacement with proof of purchase. If they were a smaller company, I may not be as irked by this. But they are a large organization with tons of resources and are simply not honoring their own policy. To boot I know they have warehouses of brand new, working pumps... So you can look forward to a scathing review of Philips Avent customer service and the fact that assisting new moms is clearly not a priority for the organization.

A detailed overview of each product's specs is coming soon. I never intended to write product reviews, but having used 5 different pumps I feel I must now!